


Inquisitor Lavellan and the Really Weird Shit that happens

by unknownusername



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blood and Gore, Drug Addiction, F/M, Non-Graphic Violence, at some point, graphic depiction of illness, idk what im doing tbh, im petty and bitter and dragon age isnt over fuck you game, mostly withdrawl issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-19 06:09:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13698444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownusername/pseuds/unknownusername
Summary: Im bitter about finishing dragon age (for the fifth time) when there could have been so much more and i have no other new games to play so this is the result.They asked her to join, this new Inquisition that was seemingly doomed to fail, and Evanura knew that even if she wanted to, she couldn’t say no. She had this mark, this cursed thing that sealed rifts, and if she could help in whatever way, then she was going to.So, she said yes, and she wondered if one day she’d look back on this moment and regret it. She supposed she’d have to live long enough to see, but she doubted she’d survive the year.





	1. Andraste whom? i dont know her (a prologue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself i wouldnt do this but i lied. tbh i wasnt going to romance anyone bc why when theres dragons but then i saw cullen and i was like lol the most basic white boy but then i talked to him and he was awkward and adorable and i was all oh no. and now here we are. goddamn you dragon age

Considering the last time, she woke up not remembering what happened and was labeled a prisoner, this should be better. She still woke up confused and disoriented, but when she stepped outside to follow that puzzling city elf, there were people lining both sides of the walkway, looking at her reverently. There were two soldiers immediately in front of her who were – saluting? – and decidedly not putting her in chains, so after a moment Evanura hesitantly walked forward. When no one stopped her, she picked up her pace, almost jogging through the gathered crowd. They were whispering as she passed, some were bowing at her, others stared up at her in awe, and some wouldn’t look her in the eye.

“That’s her!” she heard someone whisper. “That’s the Herald of Andraste.”

Herald of who? Oh, Creators what did these people think of her now? She tried to remember which of their idols Andraste was as she quickly made her way to the Chantry, trying to ignore the stares she could feel following her. The old Chantry building was large compared to her clan’s set up but modest in human standards. She didn’t pause much to look around, all she noted was that the hall was mostly composed of dark reds and browns and strode towards the large door at the end of the hall. It was the most imposing looking door, so that must have meant it was important and therefore Cassandra, seemingly important in this whatever group this was, should be in there. Evanura was hoping anyways, as she really did not want to ask someone for directions. The humans outside had made her wary of other people’s reactions.

She could hear raised voices a she got closer and hesitated. They were clearly arguing about her and she wondered if she opened the door if they would stop. No, it was better to wait and listen before moving on. There was a voice she did not recognize, but the other was undoubtedly Cassandra, who seemed to be defending her? Odd, she got the impression the Seeker did not care for her. After a moment of considerable silence, she opened the door. There was a chantry member, she couldn’t remember all the different positions, with a frankly ridiculous hat on. Humans were a mystery to her, truly, as she had seen these numerable times and still didn’t understand what the hats were for or why they were so hideous.

The man immediately told the guards to arrest her and she barely had time to think, well that was quick, before Cassandra was interrupting them and ordering the guards to leave. They started arguing again, and Evanura’s attention drifted towards the rest of the room. There was the woman called Leliana who stood at the opposite end of the table, who was also drawn into the argument. Said table had a large map on it with small figurines on it.

Evanura was snapped back into attention when Cassandra slammed down a book on the table. Leliana explained the Inquisition of old and their new directive now that the Divine was dead and there was a hole in the sky. Cassandra was intimidating, but she was earnest and forthright and Leliana was shrewd, Evanura could see the intelligence in her assessing gaze, yet she was also kind. They asked her to join, this new Inquisition that was seemingly doomed to fail, and Evanura knew that even if she wanted to, she couldn’t say no. She had this mark, this cursed thing that sealed rifts, and if she could help in whatever way, then she was going to.

So, she said yes, and she wondered if one day she’d look back on this moment and regret it. She supposed she’d have to live long enough to see, but she doubted she’d survive the year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> free me from this hell  
> title inspired from that line varric says if you ask him if hes gonna make a book about you. really, this idea literally came from that line so blame him.


	2. Haven Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the obligatory "neither of them sleep for shit and they go on a walk" chapter plus letters from out in the field.

_Commander,_

_Cassandra insists I should get into the habit of writing daily reports. I do not know when we will reach camp again, we are quite far from the nearest one, so I suppose I shall send a week’s worth of reports at once. My apologies, as reading so many reports at once must be tedious. We are a few days out from the horse master’s farm, at the most. It is a slaughterhouse here, I have never seen so much needless death and bloodshed in one place. There are bodies on the roads, in houses, in bedrolls at abandoned camps. I saw a burned down house with mages trapped inside today. The youngest one could have been no older than twelve summers. This is beginning to be a very morbid letter it seems, but there is nothing else to report except more death. There are bandits on the east road, but they are too skilled to be regular bandits. Cassandra believes they have received proper training, but they have no identifying marks._

_On a lighter note, we have killed enough ram to keep the refugees fed. It is much too dangerous for them to hunt on their own, and indeed I believe I have killed more people today than rams. It is getting colder, but a recruit has informed me that there are apostate caches that should have warm clothing and blankets. I have found three, and tomorrow I should have found the other two. As of right now, we are searching for the apostate’s and templar’s hide outs. Hopefully, the fighting will calm down once these are found and dealt with._

_All this writing and I have not even gotten to the reason I was sent here. There are many reports of rifts. I have closed two today, but I’m afraid that will not make much of a difference out here. I have the locations of the others; however, it seems that man is much more of a danger to the refugees than the demons are. I will, of course, keep you updated on the rifts and their behaviors. They do not seem to follow any sort of pattern, but perhaps there is something I have not seen that someone at Haven will. Mother Giselle has agreed to come to Haven as soon as she is able now that our soldiers are protecting the refugees. She seems to be a kind woman, I am glad she is willing to help us. She also seems to be an adept healer, perhaps she can help those injured at Haven_

_Evanura Lavellan_

_Commander,_

_The templars and apostates hide outs have been found and subsequently purged. If this will help in any major way, I cannot say yet. Cassandra informs me we are a day’s walk from the horse master’s farm. Many people are grateful to see us now, and I believe the Inquisition is gaining influence here. There are many cries for help, some more fatal than others, but I try to answer all the same._

_We have discovered old elven artifacts that once activated, act as wards to stabilize the surroundings. Solas assures me it should lessen the number of rifts that seem to be popping up. We have also discovered skulls on stakes that, when looked through, highlight objects that draw its power. I am unsure of who made these, how, or why, but they lead to crystal shards that none of us have seen before. It does not seem to be harmful or have any effect at all. Cassandra says she will write to Leliana asking if they can be investigated. Someone else seems to be interested in them and is desperate enough to use humanoid skulls to find them, so it is probably best if we find them first._

_Evanura Lavellan_

_Commander,_

_Master Dennet is willing to supply us with horses and supply the refuges with weapons if we help with the possessed wolves that are attacking farmers and if we are willing to build watchtowers, so they have warning of any bandits attacking. It seemed a reasonable enough request, so I have agreed on the Inquisition’s behalf._

_In addition, a noble man has agreed to be an agent of the inquisition and offers the use of his lands and men. There is also a cult in the hills that has sworn to follow us. They seem to be a bit fanatical, but they are a good sort of type. They agreed to help the refugees as much as they are able. Almost all the rifts that we have been informed of have been sealed. I have marked them on the map as promised. Solas theorizes that they are more likely to appear in areas of great chaos, where many have died horribly. This doesn’t seem to narrow anything down, in my opinion, as there is nothing but horrible death here. That and elfroot. I have collected so many herbs for the refugees, they should have enough to last them centuries. I also collected some for the Inquisition, along with iron and onyx. We have located a few loggings stands as well. I hope these supplies help._

_Evanura Lavellan_

_Commander_

_I have nothing to report on except that there are many bears here. It seems they are endless. They appear to multiply by the hour. If I didn’t already ask Solas, I would say they were possessed but they are just horrid animals. I never want to see a bear again._

_Evanura Lavellan_

_P.S. I should also mention that the bandits we suspected were not bandits were in fact mercenaries. We have taken over their keep. I am not sure if this keep is worth the trouble, hordes of bears surround it._

_Herald,_

_No apology for your reports are needed, as these are quickly becoming the highlight of my day. I regret that the first few days at the Hinterlands were discouraging. Death is never easy to witness, and I am afraid it never becomes easier. Your progress is encouraging to hear, Leliana is pleased with your recruiting. We get new recruits by the day, all with tales of how the Herald saved them or their families and inspired them to work for something greater than themselves. The tales we hear of you are heroic indeed. The people speak of a Herald who is benevolent and generous in giving aid. I hear many stories among the soldiers, some are quite odd – is it true you saved a farmer’s druffalo from a cave full of giant spiders? – but bolster the refugees’ spirits._

_In addition to the agents and recruits you’ve sent us, we also must thank you for the supplies. We now have enough supplies to give every soldier a reliable sword and shield. Adan is also grateful for the healing herbs, he can effectively treat all the injured now._

_We have investigated the shards, as asked, however it will be some time before we find any information of use. We agree with your decision to collect as many as possible. Leliana is sending scouts to investigate the skulls you discovered in hopes it will point to whoever is behind this. Along with the scouts, more soldiers shall arrive soon to the marked locations for the requested watchtowers. They should be built within two weeks. The soldiers also come bearing supplies and some will stay in the area to search for more. Please take any supplies you need for your travels._

_Regarding the bears, I regret to inform you that they never cease. I do not know what it is about Ferelden bears, but they are quick to attack anything that moves. I assure you, they are indeed not possessed, perhaps madly territorial and feral, at the least._

_Commander Cullen_

_Commander Cullen_

_Please call me Evanura, so many people call me the Herald I am beginning to forget my own name. Would you believe me I told you that I do not even know the Chant of Light? I suppose I should attempt to memorize it now, or at least learn more of this religion if I am to be see as this Herald. I still find it hard to believe these days that people call me, a Dalish elf, the Herald of Andraste. I suppose it is not so odd, was there not an elf who traveled with Andraste? I cannot remember the story._

_Cassandra informs me that after the watchtowers are built, we will leave with most of the soldiers, and hopefully Master Dennet and his stable-hands and horses. He has bestowed us with horses, which are quite useful for outrunning bears, and they are lovely. I am glad that his reputation is well deserved. Hopefully it will be much quicker traveling now. I fear if Varric continues to poke at Cassandra, we will not survive the trip back._

_Evanura Lavellan_

_P.S. Yes, I did save the drufallo, the poor thing was surrounded by giant spiders. I despise spiders, I couldn’t leave him there! His name is Teddy, and he is a sweetheart._

After the disaster that was Val Royeaux, Evanura was sent all over Thedas. First, they traveled to some noble’s mansion that the clues had led them too and met Sera and her friends of Red Jenny. Sera was a bit brash, vulgar, and rude, but Evanura liked her enough. She was earnest, and she wanted to help, and they really weren’t in any position to deny help. Then they traveled to Haven to report back to the others and listened to Leliana, Josephine, Cullen and Cassandra bicker for half a day. She went to the Storm Coast to meet with Iron Bull and his Chargers but was delayed when she was informed of the missing inquisition soldiers. She was suddenly challenging a mercenary group’s leader, acquired said mercenary group, and was then sent a letter by Leliana’s birds that said it was agreed that she would travel to Redcliffe to investigate the mages, and then report back to Haven.

Evanura was sure that her soul had ascended from her body because she was so exhausted that, when meeting Dorian and being informed of corrupt magisters using magic to bend the rules of the time and a cult of violent fanatics of hers, she barely batted an eye. On the way back to Haven, she recruited the Grey Warden Leliana had informed her of, named Blackwall. He was a quiet sort of human, gruff looking but seemed good at heart. He was more well mannered than Sera and Iron Bull, anyhow.

Upon returning to Haven, she went straight to the war room to discuss their plan of action. Dorian reappeared, offering his services to help sneak Inquisition agents inside Redcliffe castle to ambush Alexius. She, along with Cassandra and Varric, were to be bait, to distract the guards. It was a risky plan, and with her rotten luck something would go awry, but they couldn’t let Alexius alone to do as he pleased. After this, it was clear that they couldn’t go to the templars to help, so either this plan worked, and they got the mages to help, or they were on their own for closing the breach.

Predictably, the plan went immediately to shit and Evanura ended up stranded in time with a man she barely knew as her only ally. She wondered what the other advisors at Haven would say if she asked for a vacation day.

 

 

Cullen wasn’t angry about the mages freedom, per se. He was wary, and perhaps that was his paranoia and old prejudices coming to play, but he could not help but worry. Surely there would be abominations among the mages just as there were abominations in Ferelden Tower. Evanura proposed they treat this time as a probation period, to watch the mages and evaluate how they handle their freedom. If they were irresponsible, then they could impose restrictions. It was a good plan, but still he worried. He had seen too much to not.

The mages themselves seemed unsure what to do now that they had their freedom. There were many children among them, and Cullen immediately reached out to Grand Enchanter Fiona to work on a lesson plan. The children, most of them mages but some whose parents were mages but who they themselves were not, needed good education which would also help them settle into a routine. Among them, almost a third were orphans. The chantry sisters who had remained in Haven offered to help tend to the children, and teach them the basics, such as reading and writing and history. Fiona was hesitant to talk to him at first, as he was once a former templar, but he made it clear that he left the order and did not agree with them. That he had left and was here, one of the advisors of the Inquisition, was proof enough of that.

It became apparent the mages and the people of Haven did not agree on how the young mages should be taught. The mages wanted to teach their own, but Cullen was unwilling to leave the young mages fate in their hands alone. They had mages in Haven who could help teach, but the former rebels were concerned it this would end up becoming like a Circle. Cullen eventually called it a night, agreed with Fiona that they would discuss this tomorrow with Evanura present. He walked to her cabin to inform her, but the windows were dark, and no one answered when he knocked.

He asked the guards on the wall if they had seen her walk off and they reported she had headed west into the forest before sundown but had yet to return. Concerned, he left to find her. Evanura was a bit of a mystery to him, but he knew she was practical, sharp witted and generous. She had been wary of him at first, which was understandable as she was an apostate mage and he a former templar but had warmed up to him. She sometimes sought him out at the training yard, always curious and full of questions. She was respectful when he did not want to talk about a subject but was unafraid to ask question after question. He supposed it was only natural as the Dalish tended to be reclusive. He admittedly did not know much of the Dalish, he had only met one clan and only briefly. They were wary and spoke sharply, unwilling to say more than necessary. He had been with his Knight Commander, seeking out the clan based on rumors that they had more than two mages. The third mage, a tiny child of seven, was to be traded with another clan, but the clans were far apart from each other and would not arrive until the month’s end. They left peacefully, as this was before Meredith went mad, but Cullen always remembered the small Dalish child who was to be taken from their family. He wondered if that child ever ended up in a Circle, if they were now dead.

“Herald?” Cullen called out. “Lavellan, are you alright?”

He was following fresh tracks, but they ended at the base of a tree. He looked up to find her reflective eyes staring down at him. In the night, her eyes were more animalistic than human. She reminded him a bit of an owl, with her wide, unblinking stare.

“Oh,” he said lamely. “What are you doing up there?”

She looked at him a moment longer, her eyes almost silver in the moonlight. Her gaze was unnerving, but he did not look away. She blinked and looked back up at the sky.

“It is a nice night,” she said quietly.

“It is late, my lady, and not safe to be out here alone.”

She hummed in agreement but did not move.

“Is everything well, my lady?”

“Evanura,” she replied. “Please, call me Evanura.”

“Oh, um, alright,” he stammered. “Evanura then.”

It was odd to call her in such an informal way, but something in her relaxed at the sound of it. She looked back down at him, an amused tilt to her lips. “I’m alright Commander, just couldn’t sleep is all.”

“Cullen,” he offered after a moment of silence. “Please, you may call me Cullen when not in formal settings.”

She blinked at him, a pleased smile lifting some of the exhaustion from her shoulders. She looked pale today, and it seemed worse now. She was usually a healthy tan, her bronzed skin flushed with pink. There had been dark circles under her eyes this morning, and he could not see them now, but bet they were worse now.

“If I may,” he hedged uncomfortably. “You look exhausted. You should rest.”

“If I could, I would be doing so now.” She said with a sigh. “I grew tired of staring at the ceiling.”

“Oh,” he shifted his weight, his hand unconsciously resting on the pommel of his sword. “Is there a reason you cannot sleep?”

She grew quiet, her eyes distantly staring at empty space. “I suppose.” She swung her leg off the tree and his heart lurched in his chest, immediately fearing the worst. A fall from that height would certainly break a bone. “Can I be honest with you?”

He startled, looking back at her face. She was focused on him now, watching his reaction.

“Of course,” he said. “Anything said to me in confidence that does not threaten the safety of the Inquisition will not be repeated.”

“You’re very… confident, perhaps is the word to use. Everyday you make decisions that effect an innumerable amount of people. Does that worry you?”

He frowned, ignoring his flushed face her indirect compliment gave him. He did not think himself a very confident person, he overthought mostly everything, and constantly worried about a thousand things at once.

“Yes, if I did not worry, I would not be a good commander. I worry about my choices, my men, how my orders will affect them. It does not grow easier, if that is what you are asking.”

“I’m not quite sure, if I am honest.” She replied softly. “I’m not making much sense, am I?” She tucked her other leg underneath her and then in a movement that made a strangled noise leave his throat, flipped over the branch she was perched on, so she was only holding on by her legs. He had automatically started forward to try to catch her and she shot him an amused look from upside down. She reached up, so she was holding the branch with her hands and then dropped down to a lower branch. He watched, muscles still tensed to spring into action, as she gracefully maneuvered down the tree. She landed down next to him, not a hair out of place and grinned up at him.

“Yes, I think I can see the worry now,” she teased him. He, frankly, was just relieved he didn’t have to tell Cassandra he let the Herald break a leg from falling out of a tree.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t fall from ridiculously tall trees and risk breaking your neck. You’re in enough danger as it is.”

Evanura still looked amused but nodded in agreement. She looked over his shoulder, at the path that led back into Haven and frowned. “Would you mind if you sat with me a moment out here? I don’t – I don’t want to go back yet.”

“Not at all,” he said honestly. She walked towards the dock nearby and sat with her legs dangling over the side once they arrived. He sat next to her, quietly letting her gather her thoughts.

“I never thought about it,” she said softly. She was looking down at her boots swinging idly. “I knew that I had a responsibility to help, to close the rifts. I understood that I wasn’t going back to my clan, not for a while anyway, and that I could die here. I just didn’t – I don’t think it really hit me until yesterday, trapped in that hell of a future, that I was necessary for preventing the end of the world. I can’t die, I can’t turn away from this. If my death condemned the whole world to die, and for the Elder one, whoever they are, to win, then – I can’t fail. I can’t – but, Cullen, what if I do? I can’t be responsible for the death of everyone, I can barely keep myself alive, how am I supposed to stop this?”

She heaved out a shuddering breath, closing her eyes. He hesitantly reached out, resting his hand on her shoulder. He could feel her shaking underneath him.

“You’re not alone in this,” he assured her quietly. “All of us, the other advisors and I, the soldiers, the mages, every agent you’ve recruited thus far, we are behind you in this. We believe in this cause, we believe in you, in your power to fix this. You are more than you know. Do not doubt yourself.”

She wiped her eyes with her hand and he felt the tension ease from her shoulders minutely.

“It was so horrible,” she whispered. “Seeing you all in the future. Cassandra and Varric, they were half dead already and Leliana, she could be mistaken for the undead, she was so scarred and decayed. There were so many bodies, just hanging from the ceiling like prizes, they were rotting but I could still tell who they were. Blackwall, Sera, Solas, Josephine. And you,” she choked off, taking another rattling breath. “You led the final assault against the Elder one, Leliana said that he himself had to stop you, that you kept fighting off the rest. And he made an example of you, in the courtyard. You were… you were eaten alive by red lyrium; it was growing out of you, and he left you in the courtyard like a decoration, for everyone to see.”

Cullen, for a grim moment, thought about how ironic that he would die by the one thing that had been slowly killing him for years until he thought he escaped from it. He only thought that for a moment, before he suddenly had an armful of distraught elf in his arms and his mind blanked in panic.

He had enough sense to hug her back, to comfort her that way, but he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t imagine seeing the horror she described, and he didn’t fault her for being shaken by it, but he didn’t know how to help her. She was shaking, her body trembling with the force of her ragged breaths, but she shed no tears. Cullen knew that sort of exhaustion, where your body was too tired to cry, but your emotions overwhelmed your mind until they were forced out. He worried that if she kept breathing this quickly, she’d hyperventilate herself into blacking out.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out. “I’m sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize.” He told her, shifting so he could hold her more easily. “Anyone would be shaken by what you saw, there is no shame in being effected by it.”

He didn’t know how long they stayed there, but her breathing eventually leveled out and her weight was gradually sinking into him. She was most likely half dead on her feet, and he made a note to inform Cassandra that Evanura was not to be disturbed tomorrow. After all that she had done for them, the least they could do was let her have a day to herself.

“Evanura,” he said quietly. “It is late, and you are exhausted, may I walk you to your quarters?”

She roused herself enough to nod and separate from him, rubbing her eyes tiredly. He jumped off the dock, the frozen lake holding his weight easily. He offered her a hand which she took with a grateful smile and he helped her down. Her usual gracefulness was replaced with sleepy clumsiness and he offered his arm. She tucked her hand on the side of his bicep and leaned against his arm. They walked back quietly, and he was surprised to find it comforting. He didn’t feel the need to say anything, and simply enjoyed the night sky and cool air. He saw a couple guards give a raised brow or double take when they reached the gate, but they thankfully said nothing. However, he knew that there would be rumors floating around the barracks by breakfast, soliders were worse gossipers than old women.

When they reached her quarters, she yawned behind her hand and straightened before letting him go. She turned back to look at him and offered a tired smile.

“Thank you, Cullen.” She said.

“It was my pleasure,” he inclined his head, “Goodnight, Evanura.”

“Goodnight Cullen,”


	3. Haven Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen works as he always does, obsessively, and Evanura offers to help teach the young mages.

Evanura woke up late the next day. She could tell it was late before she even opened her eyes because she could hear the soldiers practicing drills outside the walls, and they only did drills after lunch. She cracked an eye open, glancing out the window to confirm her suspicions. With a grunt, she lifted herself up on her arms and took a moment to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Evanura felt like her body was being dragged down by weights, and her stomach was absolutely livid at her, growling for food impatiently. She stumbled around a bit while she got changed into her clothes, shrugging on her enchanter’s coat, and tugging on her boots. She made sure to grab her knife and place it in its sheath on her belt before she strapped on her staff and left her cabin. She still wasn’t used to the large space that Josephine had insisted she use. She was used to sleeping on cots or on the ground with at least three other people sharing the same tent, she could sleep in the chantry, but Josephine told her it was safer if she had her own quarters, as people had tried to get to her while she was unconscious in the past. The cabin had magical wards around it and locks on all the windows and door, and Evanura had to admit it was safer than sleeping in the open space at the chantry.

She blinked into the afternoon’s sun and looked around for Cassandra. She was supposed to call a war council today, they had to discuss their next move, and they needed to start training the mages. She hid a yawn behind her hand as she walked over to the Chantry, waving hello to those who greeted her or bowed at her. Their worship of her still made her uncomfortable, but it wasn’t about her, she knew. She was a symbol, an idol to look up to in times of despair. She gave people hope, she gave them the reassurances that their god had not abandoned them. Evanura didn’t see herself this way, nor did she want to, for that way lies arrogance and corrupt power. She did not correct them when they called her the Herald, but if they asked her if she believed she was, she’d say the truth; she didn’t know. She believed in her gods, but she couldn’t discredit their religion, or their god. Perhaps both her gods and their god existed in the same space, perhaps their Maker did send her, or perhaps it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. She couldn’t say, so she wouldn’t lie to those who asked. Josephine said it was better to let the people believe she was the Herald, so she left it alone, even though their worship of her created a distance between her and everyone else. She wasn’t a person to them.

Walking into Josephine’s office, she knocked on the doorframe to get her attention, “Hello, Josephine, I appear to have woken late today, I apologize.”

Josephine looked up at her and smiled, “No apology needed, Herald, you needed the rest. Flissa has saved you breakfast, I will call for it immediately, where would you like to eat?”

“Oh,” she said, startled. “It’s fine, Josephine, really.”

“It’s no bother, Herald. It is best if you eat in peace now, as I’m afraid many people would like to speak to you today.”

“If you insist,” she said hesitantly. “Would you like to eat with me, then? I am sure I need to be caught up on much, and I would appreciate the company.”

Josephine beamed at her, “I would be honored.”

 

 

Evanura made her rounds to those who asked for her after she had eaten. Josephine had informed her that the mages had their quarters set up and the only problem so far was that they could not agree on how to go about teaching the younger and more inexperienced mages. Evanura had volunteered to go speak with Fiona and offer her services. However, first she went to Adan, who was as stressed as ever, trying to fill potion requests and get enough supplies. She had gone to find the Tranquil she had enlisted at Redcliffe who was adept with potions and brought him to Adan quickly. From there, she had gone to make sure Dorian had settled in, then went to search for Cassandra who she found in the training yard, snapping at the mages to handle their own problems. After having a short conversation with her, she resolved to go speak to Fiona. She was directed to where Fiona was stationed, in the middle of the mage’s camp, stood next to Commander Cullen.

“Is there a problem?” she asked as she walked up to them. Fiona had her arms crossed, glaring at Cullen, who appeared frustrated. She raised an eyebrow at him and had to bite back a laugh at his exasperated expression.

“Herald,” Fiona greeted her stiffly. “We seem to be at a disagreement regarding the mages’ training.”

“Oh?” she prompted. “Why is that?”

“We would like to train our own without templar interference.”

“Former templars,” Cullen said wearily. She knew this was definitely not the first time he had said that. “We are trained to contain magic in the event a mage cannot control themselves in training. We have to think of the citizens of Haven, many who have never been exposed to magic and will react negatively if there any accidents.”

“I fail to see where the problem is,” Evanura said when Cullen finished. “That is a reasonable and sound plan. What is the issue?”

Fiona’s mouth tightened into a small line. “We escaped the Circles to avoid templar intervention, we will not go back to how things were.”

“I may be mistaken, but I believe the rebellion was due to abuse of power by unregulated templars and magic being used for ill will?” Evanura interrupted. She was frowning now, bristling from the implication that any of her men would abuse the mages. “Commander Cullen and the other templars have left the Order because they disagreed with their actions, that is why they are here, to put aside their differences and come together to fight a common cause.” She softened a bit, continuing in an encouraging tone. “I know it is frightening to work with someone you are taught to fear, but I assure you, I would not have agreed to join the Inquisition if I had any doubt that they were not good people. They will not hurt you or your people.”

Fiona glanced between her and Cullen, before giving a short nod. “Fine, however I request that you attend training each time you are back at Haven and are able to.”

“Of course,” Evanura smiled, relaxing now that the disagreement had been settled. “I was going to volunteer my services as a mage anyway. I was First in my clan, taught by my Keeper since I was a child. It is my obligation as the First to know our clan’s history and study magic in order to teach the next First.”

Fiona looked taken aback, blinking before she said, “We would be honored, Herald.”

“Training will begin tomorrow then,” Cullen said and Evanura turned to see he had lost some of the tenseness of his shoulders. “We will need to assess the mages and divide them into those who are well trained enough to help close the breach, and those who need additional help. If this is to your agreement?”

“Yes, I believe that will be fine.” Fiona said. “Thank you for speaking with me Commander, Herald. I am sure you have many other matters to attend to.”

“My pleasure,” Evanura assured her. “I will be there for training tomorrow.”

Fiona nodded to them before walking away into one of the larger tents. Evanura looked up to Cullen who looked relieved.

“Thank the Maker, I was sure we would be arguing until the end of time. Thank you, Herald.” He began to walk back to the training yard and she kept pace with him.

“I was glad to help. I confess I miss training, there isn’t much time for studies on the road.”

“Did you enjoy being First of your clan?” He asked after a moment.

“Yes, of course. Before my magic developed, I was training to be a hunter. I hadn’t the heart for it, I do not like to kill more than is necessary and my cousin who trained me was too keen on it. I was relieved to become first.” She found it very easy to talk to Cullen, he was attentive and did not attempt to speak over others.

He glanced over at her, looking distinctly amused.

“What?” she asked when he said nothing.

“Nothing, my lady. I just find it odd that the fearsome warrior I have heard so many tales of hadn’t the heart for killing animals.”

She scoffed. “I do not like killing animals, they are innocent. People, on the other hand; I try to kill only those who deserve punishment.”

He raised a brow at her, a small smirk on his face. “Of course.”

She shook her head fondly. “You will never let me forget that now, will you?”

His smirk widened but he did not answer. She rolled her eyes, huffing in amusement. For such a serious man, someone who had looked so imposing at first glance, he had a dry sense of humor and a charming way of showing it. It was times like these when she thought back on how wary she had been of him with a sense of bafflement. It seemed odd that she had ever feared him, this courteous, kind man.

 

 

Training took place at seven in the morning, and Evanura was sure to get there early. Predictably, Cullen was already there going over some report while a nervous messenger waited next to him to collect it. He hadn’t noticed her walk in, but the scout glanced up and away before looking back at her, startled, with wide eyes and snapping to attention.

“Do you ever sleep?” She pondered as she walked up to Cullen. He didn’t flinch, only hummed an affirmative, eyes still scanning the document. She had a feeling she could say anything right now and he’d agree. She looked at the scout in amusement, desperately wanting to tease him, but the scout looked terrified and like he might pass out if the Herald and Commander started acting like people right in front of him.

“Commander,” she began, already abandoning her promise not to scare the scout more. “I wonder, do you sleep in that armor, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without it?”

Cullen nodded, as if he was paying attention, and really, he made it too easy, she had no choice now.

“I’d bet you’d look great without it,” she said cheekily. The scout next to him made a strangled noise and started choking. Cullen, finally startled out of his focus, looked up at the scout in bewilderment before her words caught up with him. He turned as red as his mantle, sputtering almost as badly as his scout was.

She couldn’t hold in her laughter, snorting quite un-Herald like. Thank the Creators Josephine wasn’t present, she would have a conniption. Cullen looked at her incredulously which only made her mirth worse.

“I couldn’t help myself,” she said through her laughs. “You were so focused, I had to see what I could get away with saying.”

“I – Herald, what were you – did you need something?” Cullen stuttered out after a moment.

She took pity on him, still grinning as she replied, “I was asking if you ever sleep? You look like you haven’t moved since I saw you last.”

Cullen handed the report to the scout, who gladly accepted it before rushing away as fast as possible. “I do, it has just been busy and there is much to do.”

“I suppose I don’t have much room to speak,” she mused. “But I feel compelled to tell you that forfeiting sleep for work will not end well for anyone.”

The corner of his mouth tugged up into a wry smile, “I’m well aware, Herald, but sacrifices must be made.”

She nodded, glancing at the gates as mages and soldiers started walking out. She settled back into her Herald of Andraste role, tucking away her amusement behind a blank mask. She could see Cullen do something similar, pulling on the role of Commander like a well-worn jacket.

After all the mages and former templars had arrived outside to the training area, Fiona walked towards her and Cullen, nodding in greeting.

“Herald, Commander,” she said placidly, “I am eager to begin properly training the mages. We have gathered all mages, as requested, but there are many who have just began to come into their magic and I expect that no amount of training will have them ready to assist with the breach within the year.”

“Of course, we do not expect the young or inexperienced to assist. They will receive training like any other, in order to gain control, but nothing else will be required from them.” She assured the Grand Enchanter.

“You are the one who knows the mages best,” Cullen added. “I would be grateful to have your opinion on how to divide the mages.”

Fiona relaxed from her rigid stance, appeased that they were not going to double cross her. Despite her wariness, Evanura quite liked the Grand Enchanter. She was a quiet woman, but it was obvious she cared greatly for her charges and would do anything to ensure their wellbeing. Evanura respected her caution and honestly couldn’t blame her for it. Creators knew how wary Evanura first was when she began working with the Inquisition. Normally, mages were faced with mistrust, but in these volatile times, they were often faced with outright hostility. It was difficult to rely on others after experiencing so much open discrimination, but necessary in order to survive.

Fiona divided the mages into three groups, those who were the most experienced and could help with the training of others, those who had been in the process of learning when the war broke out, but had less experience, and those who knew almost nothing at all. Cullen assigned a former templar knight captain to each group to watch over them, and under these captains were other soldiers, both templars and non-templars, that would serve as protectors for the mages. These soldiers were only to protect the mages if magic got out of control, or if someone in Haven tried to attack the mages and had no control over the mages’ freedom.

After establishing this, Evanura was keen to work with the young mages. Children were rare in Dalish clans, only a few were born every year, and it was instilled in all Dalish to protect and nurture each child as if they were their own blood. Evanura wasn’t aware of how humans or dwarfs, or even Qunari, raised children, but surely there couldn’t be that much of a difference. Children were children, they needed to be protected and taught.

The more experienced mages were instructed to train with the second group, and the young ones were yet to be determined. Fiona turned to her and asked, “I admit, I do not know much of Dalish culture. How do you go about teaching your mages? Is it much different?”

“I do not know,” Evanura shrugged. “How do they teach in the Circle? I’ve never been to one, my clan tried to avoid them.”

“When one comes into age, they begin studying immediately. Barrier spells, wards, defensive magic mostly. Control is emphasized the most, especially to the young. If they do not have control, they are susceptible to possession in their sleep. As they grow older, they begin preparing for their harrowing while also apprenticing in a chosen subject, such as healers, apothecaries, elemental mages, and lore keepers. It is not until after their harrowing, however, that they learn more offensive magic.”

“Oh,” she said, internally recoiling at the thought of growing up always being told you will one day either be possessed, killed, or pass in the Harrowing. “Well, that sounds… different.”

“I take it that this is not how you practiced?” Fiona said, a hint of an amused smile on her lips.

“No, not really,” Evanura hedged, not wanting to offend, but appalled that children were being taught to fear what they were. “We have a more – practical approach? I’m not sure how to describe it. I had no other peers while learning magic, we were only allowed two mages in one clan, so my Keeper was very involved in my training. I was seven when I began training, mostly by learning the lore and history and magical practices. It wasn’t until I was nine that I began to walk the Fade with my Keeper.”

“Walk the Fade?” Fiona asked incredulously. “Surely not, as that would be too dangerous for a mind so young.”

“I was not on my own,” Evanura frowned. She could see Commander Cullen walking over, having finished his conversation with the former templars under his command and alerted to her distress by Fiona’s raised voice. He glanced at her questioningly and she shook her head slightly, indicating she was fine. “The Dalish views on spirits and the Fade differ greatly from circle mages’ views. We treat spirits with caution, as one would with a wild animal, but also with respect. We were not taught to fear demons, as they are not inherently evil. They only gain possession by those who are tempted to be possessed.”

Fiona still looked skeptical, but she only nodded. Evanura was even more keen to work with the children now, if only to spare them the horror of growing up surrounded by terror. There were eleven children with the mages that had come into their powers. They were herded away from the soldier training and sat on the steps leading up to the gate of Haven and were looking around nervously.

Evanura made her way to them, noting how small and tired they all looked. Four of the children were elves, the rest were humans of various backgrounds. The elves looked at her with a mixture of awe and fear and the humans only looked wary. She hated that those who were so young had already been through so much.

“Hello,” Evanura said, kneeling in the snow in front of the children on the steps. “My name is Evanura, I’m going to be helping you with your studies, if that’s alright?”

They looked startled, sneaking looks at each other for guidance. One elf leaned closer to her before yanking herself back, looking chastised.

“Aren’t you the Herald?” The girl said in a hushed tone.

“That is what they call me, yes.” She said, smiling at the girl’s shyness. “But you may call me Evanura if you’d like.”

The girl’s eyes grew wide, surprised but obviously honored to get permission to call the Herald by such a familiar title. “My name is Callie,” the girl offered quietly.

Evanura offered her hand to shake, which Callie took nervously after glancing at it. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Callie.”

After that, the other children warmed up to her considerably, all clamoring for introductions and eager to shake her hand. She was already charmed by all of them and knew they would have her wrapped around her finger in an instant if they knew. Fiona stood next to her, looking surprised and a bit confused by the scene in front of her, along with Cullen who was trying to look professional but who was also clearly unnerved by the children.

“Commander,” Evanura called up to him, and he startled visibly. She smiled at him, gesturing for him to sit beside her. “Da’len,” she turned back to the children to address them, “This is Commander Cullen. He oversees our troops and is one of the leaders of the Inquisition. Say hello,”

The children gaped up at him, no doubt intimidated by his imposing stature and heavy armor. He shot a helpless look to Evanura and she gestured impatiently for him to sit down. He did so haltingly, as if he was a marionette. She could assume by his nervousness that he was unfamiliar with children and was at a loss at how to interact with them.

“Hello,” he said. Callie and her sister, Melody, were the first to shift closer, intrigued by his armor.

“I’m Callie,” the girl told him. “Are you really in charge of everyone?”

“Not everyone, no. I help advise the Inquisition and command the troops.”

“Were you a templar?” A boy piped up. He had a thick Ferelden accent and was named Nate.

“Yes, I was. Not anymore.” Cullen began to relax fractionally. “I left the Order.”

“Does that mean you like mages?” another child asked.

“I believe mages should be treated as people and have their own rights, yes.” That was apparently all it took to make the children less afraid of him, as they all began chatting excitedly, asking him questions, and speaking over each other in their enthusiasm. Cullen looked panicked at first, but slowly eased into the person Evanura had come to be fond of, endearingly shy and compassionate.

The first day of training with the children was spent easing them into familiarity and Evanura was glad to see that they looked much happier when they left with their guardians to go get dinner. Fiona seemed to warm up to her as well and left with an imparting and genuine smile. Evanura went to find the Commander, intent to check on how the other mages were faring. She found him overseeing the soldiers practicing with shields and swords, scouts walking up to him periodically to hand him reports.

He noticed her as she walked up, “Herald,”

“Commander,” she greeted. “How were the mages today?”

“The older mages are well trained, I do not think they will have any trouble assisting with the breach. They need to keep up with their training, of course, but I am not worried about their skill. The less experienced have few that may help with the breach, but I would not place money on it. Their time would be well spent on continuing their studies before attempting something so arduous, and they are eager to learn. How were the young mages?”

“They know almost nothing, but none are so in tune with their magic to be a danger. The most they could do on their own is perhaps warm up a cup of tea or freeze some water. They have potential, though.”

“Do you like children?” he asked, before stumbling over his words. “I mean – you just seemed to know how to talk with them well.”

“The Dalish believe all children are sacred. There are generally few children in our clans, so when one is born into the clan, it is a momentous occasion.” She shrugged. “I suppose I get along with them well enough, I never thought much about it. Do you not like children?”

“I do, I just haven’t much cause to interact with them, but I doubt they’d feel the same.” He rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous.

“They’re just intimidated by you,” she reassured him. “They’ll warm up when they discover you’re just a big softie.”

He glanced at her with exasperation before looking around to check if anyone was listening to them, “Please do not refer to me as a softie in front of my troops. They’d never take me serious again.”

She grinned, “I think they’d find it charming.”

Cullen’s face flushed red, “Maker’s breath.”

 

 

The next morning found Evanura sat on the steps with the children once again. Fiona was standing nearby, still wary but mostly curious as she watched Evanura talk to them about magic.

“Magic is a tool, and it can be beautiful at times, and other times it can be dangerous. The same can be said for a sword. By itself, a sword isn’t much of a threat, yes? In a soldier’s hand, it is used for good, to protect people, but in the wrong hands, it can be used to hurt people. It is still the same sword, the only difference is the intent behind it, or the person wielding it. So, it is important to remember to always be cautious with magic, but do not fear the magic that you wield for yourself.

“You are still very young, so the first thing you must learn is control. Focus is key to use magic safely. If you lose focus, your magic can go awry. You must will your magic into existence, and you do that by focusing on the energy around you. Our connection to the Fade allows us to feel this energy and to use it to our will. When I was young, my Keeper had me practice focus by reading books of magic and meditating. It is not very entertaining, yes, but it is not supposed to be. You must be quiet, and still, focusing on the energy from the Fade and allowing it to flow through you.”

“Aren’t there demons in the Fade?” a child asked. “Are they going to possess us?”

“No, we are not entering the Fade physically, nor are we entering it in our dreams. We are walking alongside it.”

“What about when I’m older?” another child persisted. “They can go into my dreams, can’t they?  Will they possess me then?”

“No, da’len, they will not. Spirits are not inherently evil and most do not want to cause harm. They are curious, like wild animals are curious. They are still dangerous, but only when provoked. Demons are the same concept, but the difference is that they want to be alive, and the only way to do that is to get a host in our world. If they come in your dreams, all you must do is say no. They will tempt you, offer you power, but they cannot hurt you in this world if you refuse them.”

“What about the Harrowing? Will we have one of those?”

“Ah,” Evanura winced, “No, we will not. It is not necessary to endure a Harrowing to be a good mage, it is mostly – tradition. And not a very safe one, so we will not be continuing it here. Do not worry da’len, you will learn, and you will be safe, I will make sure of it.”

By the time Evanura had to leave again, the children were settling into their routine of attending to their general studies and reading books of magic during training time. They had been nervous first, but they were noticeably calmer now, smiling and laughing with each other. Evanura had Fiona take over their meditation sessions, which mostly consisted of shushing the children when they started to fidget or giggle.

She was not excited to leave again, this time to the Fallow Mire to rescue Inquisition soldiers who were being held hostage. She took Sera and Dorian instead of Varric and Solas because Varric was busy contacting his network to get red lyrium locations and Solas was busy mentoring the eldest mages, training them for the breach. Cassandra still went with her, which she was grateful for. She liked Dorian, and got along with him, but she didn’t know about Sera. Sera was brash, and spoke carelessly, which Evanura could endure if it wasn’t for her blatant ignorance on mages and the Dalish and her unwillingness to listen. Evanura was used to persecution and judgment but not from her own people. She didn’t know why Sera was so angry, clearly, she had bad experiences with mages or the Dalish, and resigned herself to listening to Sera’s whining. Maybe during this trip, they would find some common ground.

 

 

_Commander Cullen,_

_It may take longer than anticipated to reach the kidnapped soldiers in the Fallow Mire. There are undead everywhere, and it is difficult to move through the bog without disturbing the water, which makes the undead restless. We have found a beacon of sorts that draws the undead to it, so we have been using it to clear out sections of the bog, but it is slow and tiring work. We have a general location of the soldiers now, which is something I suppose. I have met an Avvar, who was a pleasant man and helped us close a rift, and he told us that our soldiers are alive and relatively unharmed. Nothing fatal, he assures me. It also seems to me that most of the Avvar tribe here do not care for the Inquisition one way or another, it is only the chief’s son who wants to fight us. I do not think there will be retaliation if I must fight, which I most likely will, the chief’s son. One good thing, at least. I hope the training with the mages fares better than this trip._

_Evanura Lavellan_


	4. In My Heart Shall Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i lowered the rating bc the violence isnt that bad its not graphic and there is no adult content in here. I also updated the tags since this chapter introduces new elements and it could be triggering for some people. if i ever forget to tag a content warning please let me know so i can add it. if there is any specific content that can be triggering i will have a content warning at the beginning of the chapter. if its really, really graphic stuff, like gore or injuries or panic attacks that lead to self harm, i will tell you where to skip in the chapter and give a summary of what happened at the end of chapter notes.  
> that being said, this isnt the happiest but you knew that by the chapter title if you played the game but its not super angst. i just wanted to address content warning for the rest of the story.
> 
> Content Warning: unaddressed anxiety disorder, anxiety attacks, near death experience, general violence

For the first time, it occurred to Cullen that he had begun to miss Evanura’s presence. They still wrote often while she was in the field and he remained in Haven commanding the troops, but he found himself longing for her teasing banter and the comfortable silence that had allowed him to just be in her company without any expectations. The ongoing training distracted him, and he always had something that needed to be done, so he was able to ignore it for the most part. Still, it was odd. He had not craved another person’s company for years now, that he was unsure what to do now that he did.

It did not help that Varric and Solas did not accompany her on this trip. They were two of the handful of people that Evanura seemed to be the closest too, and he often wanted to ask them of her. He did not get to see her as much as them, as his duties often kept him at Haven, and he wondered what Evanura was like in the field, what she liked, what she disliked. His curiosity distracted him during the quiet moments, when he was reading reports and going over schedules. Perhaps, if he sated his sudden curiosity, these thoughts would leave him, and he would be able to focus more on his work. He could not afford to be distracted when they were so close to finally closing the breach.

It was this reason that lead Cullen to not hurry through dinner when Varric came to find him. Varric was insistent in his belief that Cullen needed someone to talk to and had appointed himself as that person. Cullen didn’t have anything against him, he enjoyed speaking with him on occasion, but Cullen would never tell him that lest he hold it over Cullen’s head for the rest of his days.

Cullen had looked up from the latest report he was reading while picking at his plate of food when Varric walked into the command tent Cullen had commandeered for his pseudo office.

“Hey Curly,” Varric greeted. “Thought you looked more sullen than usual today.”

Cullen leveled him with an annoyed look, “Thank you for the concern,” he said dryly. “But I am fine.”

“Yeah, okay.” Varric snorted and plonked himself down in the chair in front of Cullen’s desk. “I’m pretty sure you haven’t left this tent for three days.”

“Nonsense, I oversee training in the morning and afternoon,” Cullen dismissed, going back to his report. “However, I do have other things that need my attention in here.”

“Come on Curly, all that seriousness isn’t good for your health,” Varric pestered. “You’re as bad as the Herald.”

Cullen raised an eyebrow, “We do have work that needs to be done. There is a hole in the sky and demons pouring out of the Fade.”

“All work and no play will make a cranky commander,” Varric chided, smirking. “Don’t you have hobbies or something?”

Cullen scowled at him, not answering. Varric rolled his eyes.

“Humor me, Curly.” Varric said. “And don’t give me that ‘I enjoy my work, I like helping people’ bull like the Herald did. No one is that philanthropical.”

“Maybe we do like our work,” Cullen grumbled. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Ugh,” Varric groaned in disgust, “Not you too.”

“Shouldn’t you be glad the Herald is a benevolent person? That helps matters greatly.”

“Don’t logic me. She’s the oddest, but most kind-hearted person I’ve ever met. Sort of reminds me of a puppy at times”

“A puppy?” Cullen said flatly.

“You should see her out in the field. She’s always bouncing from one person to another, offering help for the dumbest stuff, but then she’ll turn around and be all wisdom and Herald-y, and then she’s back to jumping off cliffs and scaling mountains.”

Cullen almost choked, gaping at Varric in disbelief. “What do you mean cliffs?”

“She’s part mountain goat,” Varric said seriously. “She will climb anything and everything, for no reason other than she can. It’s exhausting. She drives Cassandra nuts by jumping off everything, which is admittedly kind of funny, I’ll give her that. She’s an odd one.”

“What other odd things does she do?” Cullen asked.

“She’s obsessed with plants, for one, and for two she’s uncanny in her ability to find literally anything. It even throws off Solas, who is the weirdest fucking dude I’ve ever met. And, don’t even get me started on the animals. She has to stop to pet every animal in Thedas, and they just let her? Every animal loves her, and I am almost completely positive she’d be crazy enough to try to befriend a dragon.”

“She did live in a world very different than ours for most of her life.” Cullen reminded him. “I bet half the things we do seem very odd to her.”

Varric opened his mouth to continue before squinting, “You’re awfully curious today.”

“You started this conversation.”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

Cullen sighed. “I admit to some curiosity regarding the Herald. I do not interact with her as much as you and I wonder what sort of person she is on the field. From what I’ve heard, it seems we are very fortunate that she fell out of the Fade.”

“I may think she’s odd, because she is, but damn if she isn’t exactly the sort of person we need right now.” Varric nodded in agreement. “Anything you wanted to know in particular?”

“Uh, no, not really.”

“This is the first time you’ve shown interest in something that’s not work, you must want to know something.”

“Technically, she is my colleague.”

“Don’t be a smartass, that’s my gig.” Varric crossed his arms over his chest and slunk back into his chair, clearly making himself comfortable. “Fine, be stubborn, I’ll just casually talk about the Herald, don’t mind me.”

Cullen nearly rolled his eyes, but he returned to his meal and report, trying to seem uninterested. In reality, he was hanging onto every word as Varric told him about his adventures with Evanura. He spoke of their first trip to the Hinterlands and how Evanura never seemed to tire, constantly running from one place to another, collecting supplies and cutting down bandits, templars and mages alike without breaking a sweat. How she fought possessed wolves and demons and rifts, and then spent an hour hunting down the templars who stole a widow’s husband’s ring and returning it to her, and easily endeared anyone to join their cause with only a few words and a show of the Mark. And with every story, Cullen had the sinking feeling that he was becoming attached to the Herald perhaps more than he respectfully should.

 

 

The next few weeks passed quickly. Evanura traveled between the Hinterlands and Haven, gathering allies and resources while the mages prepared to face the breach. She ended up becoming quite close to Dorian, turns out being stranded in time with someone was a good basis for a friendship, and she enjoyed his sarcastic nature. Cassandra and Varric still bickered, Solas still told her stories of the Fade, Sera still got excited to use her bow in fights, Iron Bull still was a terrifying sight to behold in battle. Evanura still missed her clan terribly but her friends and their little pocket of familiarity was a comfort. She continued to send letters to Cullen, and if she was honest they weren’t much of a report anymore. She didn’t mind, she preferred his wry humor to standard reports anyway.

In her time back at Haven, she helped tutor the young mages, who were fast learners and always eager to see her. She adored them completely. Solas also spent a majority of time helping the elder mages and made a name for himself as a stern, but invaluable, teacher. The barely restrained awe some mages looked at him with endlessly amused her. He was always quick to point out how many more people gave her that same look, but she teased him regardless. The way he puffed up with a shy sort of pride suited him better than his usual solemn self.

Everyone at Haven was bustling with activity as they got prepared for their next move. Truthfully, Evanura was trying not to think about it. If she thought about how much was resting on her shoulders, her lungs would seize up and she couldn’t breathe. No, it was better to ignore it until it was time to deal with it. She was always better at acting in the moment, her thoughts had the troubling habit of overwhelming her into paralyzing terror. She took on any distraction she could, running menial tasks and volunteering for any excursion. She hardly slept, but she figured that she could sleep when the breach was done. If she lived. Creators, she needed to stop thinking about that.

So, she carefully avoided all conversations that had to do with the breach. She’d like to say she was subtle about it but standing up in the middle of the war room and stuttering out that she had something to do over there and booking it out the door was not the most elusive way to go about it. And if she noticed Cassandra giving her concerned looks, she pretended not to see them.

She couldn’t avoid it forever, of course, so when she walked into the war room and Cullen informed her the best of the mages were ready at her command, she steeled herself and nodded. Internally, she was panicking so much that she ascended into a strange sort of disconnection from her body.

“When will they be ready to move out?” she heard herself ask.

“If you command it now, then I’d say the earliest would be noon.” Cullen said, ever the professional commander. She wondered how he did it.

“Good,” she said. “I’ll inform the others.”

They nodded, and the war meeting was dismissed. She started to walk out when a hand grabbed her elbow gently. She blinked down at it before turning to see Cullen looking at her, frowning.

“Yes, Commander?” she asked.

“Are you well, Herald?” he asked quietly, too low for the other to hear.

“Of course. I am eager to finally close the breach, I will be glad when this is over.”

He looked at her carefully for a moment before nodding and dropping his hand. She walked through the door, already trying to narrow down who she would bring to the Breach. Cassandra, obviously. Solas would already be there to help with the mages, so she’d bring Dorian along. Varric would be their long-distance cover in case any demons poured out along with Leliana’s archers and Cullen’s soldiers. Yes, that would work. This would work.

 

 

Evanura’s hand felt like it was being flayed open and then shoved into fire, but it was done. The breach was closed. She had collapsed when it had pushed out a surge of energy before sealing shut, and she had laid there, winded, before rolling onto her knees, closing her eyes. A hand at her shoulder made her open her eyes again and she looked over at Cassandra who was looking at her with a mixture of awe and concern.

“It is closed,” Cassandra had whispered.

“It’s sealed,” Evanura agreed breathlessly, before laughing a bit hysterically but she was too relieved to care. She stood up on shaky hands and turned to the mages and Inquisition soldiers and archers who were watching her with wide eyes. “It’s sealed!”

There was a roar of applause, shouting and cheers. She saw people hugging each other, spinning in circles, and crying in relief. She grinned at them, beaming at their joy. It wasn’t until they were walking back down to Haven that her glee faded enough for reality to come crashing back. The breach may be sealed, but there was still much to be done. There was so many unknown factors, they still didn’t know who did this or why, and they couldn’t celebrate yet. She grew quiet, contemplating the next move. They needed to extend their reach, hopefully gaining more allies who had more resources than they did. With the breach closed, more people would see them seriously and may be willing to listen to them.

She was startled out of her thoughts when Cassandra came up beside her. Evanura shared her thoughts and Cassandra, bless her practical brain, agreed with her. They were barely beginning to discuss what they should do next when they heard screaming.

 

 

“To the Chantry!” Evanura yelled, grabbing Flissa’s arm and hauling her up. Her hands were burned from where she had grabbed the fallen piece of ceiling that had Flissa pinned down, but she couldn’t spare the time to treat them. She made sure Flissa was able to run to an Inquisition soldier who grabbed her arm and escorted her to the Chantry building before moving onto the next cries for help.

She saved Adan and Minaeve, before fighting off a horde of red templars Threnn was struggling with. She was close to the Chantry and could run for it, but she still heard screaming and she’d rather die than know she let people die when she could’ve done something. She raced down the steps towards the screams and arrived at a burning building. The door was blocked, and she kicked at it, grunting with effort until it banged open. Seggrit was laying down inside, his leg twisted at the knee, clearly broken.

“Iron Bull!” She yelled over her shoulder, already moving toward Seggrit. She wasn’t going to take the chance that the burning building could cave in and grabbed Seggrit under his arms, dragging him. Iron Bull nearly ran into the door frame, he was running so quickly. He rushed to sling Seggrit in his arms. “Go! To the Chantry, I’ll cover you!”

Iron Bull took off and she followed at a distance, electrocuting red templars that came too close to them. As soon as Iron Bull had cleared the Chantry doors, she was off again.

She made a final round, meeting up with Cassandra and Varric when she heard Dorian shout for help. They found him trying to coax a child out from under a burning structure. Evanura threw herself to her knees beside him and immediately recognized the child.

“Melody!” She called out. “It’s alright da’len, it’s me.”

Melody tear filled eyes widened and she scrambled into Evanura’s arms, crying in fear. Evanura shushed her, getting up and looking around for any other children. Cassandra, who was already one step ahead of her, shook her head and Evanura nodded for her to lead them. Varric covered their back as they ran back to the Chantry. There, she could see Cullen holding open the doors and herding a few stragglers inside.

“Is that the last of them?” he shouted as they neared. Cassandra yelled an affirmative and Cullen slammed the doors shut as soon as they cleared the entrance. Evanura set down Melody, flagging down a chantry sister who swept the girl up and took her to the war room where most of the town people were crowded in.

Evanura tuned back into her companions’ conversation. The situation was dire and they all knew it. Cole was speaking of that deformed man that they had seen up on the hill and Evanura angrily snapped that she would go to the bastard herself if it would save Haven. It wouldn’t, she knew, but she had to try _something._ Cole suddenly piped up, telling them of Rodrik’s idea of using the summer pilgrimage path. She turned to Cullen, who was calculating their odds in his head. He glanced at her, and Evanura felt her stomach drop before he had a chance to open his mouth. It would work, Cullen told them, but they couldn’t move without someone distracting the templars.

“But what of your escape?” he asked, and she had to look away, couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes. She knew she would do something foolish like cry if she did. She could feel it when he realized what she had already come to know. “Oh.”

Evanura took a deep breath before snapping into motion. “Cassandra, I can’t ask you to – “

“You don’t have to, I am coming.” Cassandra cut her off, setting her jaw when Evanura looked at her. “I will not let you do this on your own.”

“Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree.” Varric added, smiling grimly.

“Count me in,” Dorian said breezily, looking entirely unfazed by their impending death.

She nodded, too grateful to fight them on it and they started to head towards the doors when a hand grabbed her arm.

“If anyone can do this,” Cullen told her quietly. “It is you.”

She looked at him, trying not to think about how this might be the last time she’d see him. His eyes were more golden than brown, she realized suddenly. It reminded her of honey, and she thought it was fitting, it was surprisingly sweet just as he was.

“Take care of them,” she said, reaching up to grab his hand that still held onto her. “And if my clan,” she broke off, having to take a shaky breath before continuing. “Tell Deshanna to tell my father first. My mother will take it better if it comes from him.”

Cullen looked at her in pain and she wanted to say more, say how she had come to appreciate and cherish their friendship, but she had no time and they both had work to do. She squeezed his hand tightly before she resolutely turned away and forced herself to not look back.

 

 

Evanura had feared what her death might cause. She had seen the future in Redcliff and she wanted more than anything to make sure that it would never happen. But perhaps the future would be different now. She closed the breach, sealed most of the rifts that had popped up. She killed demons and saved people and helped the Inquisition gain its footing. Surely, the future would be okay now, without her. She had done her part, she had closed the fucking breach in the sky. She didn’t want to die. But if she did, at least she could die knowing that the future she saw died with her. The inquisition had a chance now.

Creators, she didn’t want to die.

But Dorian was out cold, and Varric had a broken arm. Cassandra had Dorian slung over her shoulder with Varric leading them onwards using his broken arm to prop up Bianca and fire with his good hand.

“Run!” Evanura yelled as the dragon (archdemon? Evanura didn’t know what the fuck was going on anymore) descended on them. “I’ll cover you!”

She only followed them enough to see them get out of range before doubling back. The signal still hadn’t gone off and she was going to get that fucking trebuchet to fire if it was the last thing she did. Which it probably would be. That’s beside the point.

She was prepared for the dragon, funnily enough, but admittedly, she was not prepared for some perverted sort of a man to yank her into the air, try to rip the anchor off and then throw her across the place. She always was good in a pinch anyway.

 

 

Evanura sat up with a gasp, clutching her ribs in pain. For a moment she didn’t know where she was or what had happened, but as it slowly came back to her, she wondered if she would have been better off dead. The Inquisition would be long gone now, and the avalanche would have covered up their tracks. There was almost no chance that she would be able to find them before she froze the death. It would’ve been kinder for the avalanche to kill her.

Yet, for some reason, here she was in some abandoned cave underneath Haven, with some ribs that were most likely broken and stage one hypothermia already setting in.

She struggled to her feet, her body moving without her permission. She limped along, one hand pressed against her ribs and one hand on the cave wall to help prop herself up with. She didn’t notice the blood pouring down her head until it started falling into her eyes and blocking her vision. She couldn’t muster up the energy to be concerned at this point. She just kept moving.

When the demons appeared, she almost wanted them to kill her already, but her palm started burning, and the mark shone brightly before pain shot through her arm and a rift appeared above the demons. She watched numbly as the rift tore the demons, dragging them back into the Fade before sealing itself shut and blinking out of existence. She blinked at the space it had once occupied before dragging herself forward. Her brain was not working enough for her to process that, so she was going to ignore that for now and keep walking. She just had to keep walking.

Time blurred as the cold buried itself into her skin and the wind tore at her. She was too numb to be tired. She was walking. Walking was important. She had to get to … somewhere. She had to keep walking, why was she walking? Creator’s there was so much snow. Her legs felt like they were sinking into the snow and the snow was grabbing at her, not letting her move. She hated snow. It was so cold here, it was never this cold back home. Back home, with her clan. But she had new people that needed her now. And she had to walk, walk for them? To them?

She kept walking.

 

 

Cold. She was so numb. Her body could slowly be falling apart, and she wouldn’t be surprised. She couldn’t feel her legs or her hands. Her vision was white, everything was white and blurry, and she was so tired. She couldn’t rest, though. If she laid down now, she wouldn’t get back up and she had to keep moving. She was looking for something. Something… she couldn’t remember. She had to walk somewhere, to some place or someone? She had to…

So tired. It couldn’t hurt to lay down for a moment, could it? Just a moment, just to catch her breath. But, no that was bad. Her head hurt.

You can rest when you’re safe, something in her told her. How do I know when? She was so tired, she couldn’t wait any longer. She’d feel better if she rested, wouldn’t she? She needed to… what? She couldn’t remember.

Movement. Ahead. Something not white. Red? Noise, yelling, words she couldn’t make out. Relief? They were getting closer, someone in red. They had nice eyes, she thought.

Safe, she suddenly remembered. Yes, this was safe, she knew this. She could rest now. She could… close her eyes. Safe, she was safe with this… person? Safe. Something holding her, noise at her ears, something touching her face. A moment, and then warmth. Blessed warmth. Yes, she was safe.


	5. The Road to Skyhold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no chapter warnings

Cullen refused to believe she was gone. Someone so full of life, so vibrant and good and lively couldn’t be dead. No, she was tough, she had survived the explosion at the temple, she would survive this.

The only one that agreed with him was Cassandra. Leliana and Josephine were looking at them in pity. He didn’t need their pity because he was right. She’d be back, she’d surprise them. Whenever they stopped to make camp, he and Cassandra would scout around them, looking for her until they could barely see the camp. They saw nothing but endless snow.

“We need to move forward,” Leliana insisted as they sat around the fire. “We are vulnerable here.”

“Where would we go? We have nothing. Besides, half of the injured would not survive the trip, we must wait.” Josephine argued.

“If we wait, we will all die.”

“The storm will pass, we just need to wait – “

“Enough,” Cullen snapped. They glanced up at him in surprise. He was standing instead of sitting with them and he glared into the fire. “We will wait two more days. If the storm passes, we move, if it does not, we send scouts ahead. We will accomplish nothing if we argue.”

They stayed silent, watching him as one would watch a wild animal. He shook his head and sighed. “I’m going to patrol the area.”

“Cullen, she’s not – “ Leliana began.

“I will go with you.” Cassandra interrupted, not looking at Leliana. He nodded and, ignoring Leliana’s look, led the way to the perimeter of the camp. Cassandra was quiet beside him, dutifully scanning their surroundings with sharp eyes. The storm had died down somewhat, it had barely stopped snowing only half an hour ago, but the winds were as cold and ruthless as ever. Cullen was used to the cold by now. He wondered what Evanura thought of it, it must be very different from what she was raised with. She wouldn’t last in the cold for much longer.

Two soldiers fell into step behind them as they exited the camp, as they always did. Cullen was proud of their soldiers, their mages as well. They had acted quickly and without hesitation when the attack began. They had lost many good men and women in the attack and would lose more from injuries or the cold if they did not find shelter soon. Cullen didn’t want to move on yet, it felt too much like giving up on Evanura, but he had a duty to his soldiers, and there were many lives that depended on him. He would not fail them.

“We will not last in these mountains,” Cullen told Cassandra evenly. “Not the injured, nor the elderly and children. We must move soon.”

Cassandra nodded, lips pressed together grimly. “I know. She is strong, she will find us.”

Cullen said nothing, gazing out into the sea of white snow. He admired Cassandra’s faith, he wondered when he lost that. He still believed in the Maker, in Andraste, but he had seen too much to rely on blind faith.

They searched until they could barely see the fire from the camp. He stood there, staring out into the night, praying that something would emerge from the snow, but the world was still.

“Five more minutes,” Cassandra insisted when he glanced at her.

He didn’t respond, only crossed his arms, and waited. At first, he thought it just a reflection of the fire from camp, or perhaps a forgotten shield in the snow, but the flickering light was too irregular for it to be that. He shifted, straining his eyes to make out more. It almost seemed… like it was a green glow, like the rifts.

Like the – Maker, could it really?

“The Herald!” he shouted, breaking into a sprint despite the heavy snow that slowed him. “That’s her!”

“Thank the Maker!” he heard Cassandra yell, but he was already a good distance away. He could see Evanura’s figure now, a slight thing against the white snow. Her eyes were unfocused, and his heart lurched in his chest when her legs seemingly gave out from underneath her and she collapsed to her knees. He landed on the snow in front of her, grabbing her shoulders to steady her, and trying to assess her injuries without moving her too much. Her eyes were open, but unseeing, and there was dried blood that covered most of her forehead and cheek, smears of blood that ran down her neck and soaked into the collar of her jacket.

“Evanura,” he said urgently, “Can you hear me? Evanura, look at me.” He patted her cheek lightly, desperately trying to get her to respond. She blinked, her gaze shifting towards him. Her eyes were still dazed, but something in her shifted after a heartbeat, her brow furrowing in confusion. He began to shuck off his mantle, letting go of her as he wrapped it around her for warmth. Maker, her lips were blue. He took off his gloves and shoved them on her hands, quickly grabbing her face to try and warm her up slightly. Her skin was ice, and she jumped slightly at the feeling of his warm hands against the sides of her head.

“Get a healer!” Cassandra yelled to a soldier before dropping down next to them. “Andraste preserve us, is she responding at all?”

“Not enough,” he said, cupping his hands over her blue, frozen ears, “Evanura, can you hear us?”

Evanura focused on him, blinking again. Her lips moved as she mumbled something. He leaned closer, frowning.

“What? Evanura, it’s Cullen, do you know us?”

“Safe,” she mumbled, voice slurred with a heavy tongue.

“Yes,” he reassured her softly. It didn’t sound like she was asking, but he wanted to reassure her anyway. “You’re safe now, it’s alright.”

A soft sigh escaped her before she slumped forward into him. He gathered her close, standing up with her cradled close to his chest. He carried her towards the camp as Cassandra shouted for Solas and Dorian. A soldier had already informed a healer and the healer was waving them over to a tent. Cullen almost didn’t want to lay her down on the cot inside, he was worried if he put her down she’d disappear.

Snap out of it, he told himself firmly, you must be rational now. He laid her down on the bed, but when he moved away, her hand clung onto his arm. A pained whine escaped her throat and her eyes fluttered. He clasped his hand over hers, rubbing at her frozen fingers soothingly.

“It’s alright, I’m still here,” he comforted. “You’re safe, Evanura, it’s safe now.”

By the time Solas entered the tent, Cullen had managed to calm her enough that her grip slackened, and the healer was heating up water over the fire, soaking cloths in it and laying it carefully over Evanura’s forehead, ears, and neck.

“Has she woken at all?” Solas asked briskly.

“She was awake when we found her,” Cassandra informed him. “She woke briefly now, but not since.”

Dorian rushed through the tent, out of breath, and flew to Evanura’s side. “Get her out of these freezing clothes and under the blankets.”

The healer and Cassandra helped undress her as Solas and Dorian fell into discussion about the best way to go about helping her. Evanura had sneaked her hand into Cullen’s and refused to let go, mumbling in distress as they moved around her. He talked to her in a quiet tone, soothing her enough to pry his hand free so Cassandra could slide her coat and shirt off, before grabbing her hand again. The healer was wrapping her in layers upon layers of blankets shoving warmer gloves onto her hands and warm socks on her feet. There was even a knitted hat shoved over her head, pulled down enough to cover the tips of her ears.

Solas cast a rejuvenating barrier around her as Dorian rested his hands on her blanket covered form, slowly heating it with magic. Evanura started to squirm, face twisting up into pain. Pitiful whimpers escaped her, and the sound felt like daggers in Cullen’s chest. He tried to comfort her, but the warmth was too much for her frozen skin, she was struggling in earnest now.

“Hold her down,” Dorian snapped. Cassandra held down her legs while Cullen held her shoulders. “If we don’t warm her now she’ll lose a hand to frostbite.”

Maker, help her, Cullen prayed silently as Evanura writhed and mumbled protests. It pained him to see her like this, so fragile, and he desperately wanted to tell Dorian to stop, but he knew that would only hurt her more. He hoped she would pass out soon, it would be kinder for her, but until then the only thing he could do was pray and hold her.

 

 

Evanura wasn’t sure where she was. Her head hurt, and her body ached and burned. There was something on top of her, restricting her legs and arms. She tried to move, but her limbs weren’t responding to her. Creators, why was it so hot? She was melting, her skin was burning. Where was she? She couldn’t remember what happened to her. She was walking somewhere? It was cold, she remembered the cold and her stiff, frozen limbs that ached until she couldn’t feel them any longer. Had someone found her? She remembered being held, some brief flashes of color and muffled yelling.

She had no way to tell time, but between one moment and the next she had passed out again. Her head was a little clearer, but everything still hurt. She tried to move her fingers and when they responded, she immediately set about trying to free herself from whatever had entangled her.

“Hey, hey, don’t,” a soft voice said from beside her. “It’s alright, you’re safe here.”

She knew that voice, she had heard it not too long ago. Soft, but deep and gravelly. Warmth, safe, familiar. She felt her body relax without her telling it to do so and something was tucked back around her. Blankets, she realized. She was covered in a pile of blankets. Creators, this was heavy, how many blankets did they have on her?

She tried to speak but her throat was dry, and her voice escaped her. All that came out was a strangled whine.

“Don’t try to speak,” the voice chastised her. “Go back to sleep.”

Indignantly, she tried to open her eyes and move. Something was over half of her head, covering her ears and eyes. A hat?

“Stubborn fool,” the voice sighed. “Alright, I’ll tell you what happened, but then back to sleep. We found you just a few paces off from where we had made camp. You were half frozen to death and bleeding, a few broken ribs as well, but Solas and Dorian helped the healers fix you. You’ve been asleep for almost two days now, and you should be asleep right now.”

Evanura grumbled irritably, unsatisfied, but she felt the tug of sleep already pulling at her heavy eyes. She fumbled around, freeing her arm again before the person next to her could stop her, and her hand bumped into something warm. Clothes, maybe, on someone. A sleeve? She held onto it, a silent plea to not leave her alone when she was so helpless. A sigh, and then someone taking her hand in both of theirs, rough with callouses but gentle and warm.

“I won’t leave, you are safe. Sleep,”

She slept.

 

 

Evanura woke up to bustling noise of people going about their daily routine. She was sweating, trapped under a mountain of blankets and her head had a hat pulled over it. She clumsily yanked it off, wincing when the light hit her eyes. When her eyes had adjusted, she blinked her eyes open to see the roof of a tent. She laid on her back for a moment, assessing her sore body before propping herself up on her elbows. Her vision blurred, and she had pause before she could sit up straight and glace around.

She was lying on a cot in a large tent and there was a chair next to her that had a flask and two potions on it. She reached for the flash immediately, fumbling with it in her haste to open it and spilled some down her chin. The cool water was like a balm for her dry throat and it was gone too soon. When she moved to put it back on the chair, it tumbled off and knocked the potions off the chair with it.

There was noise outside the tent, closer now. A male voice, mumbling to itself. The tent flap opened, and Dorian walked through, an annoyed scowl on his face.

“Damned Herald, always knocking things over,” he seemed not to notice she was awake as he shook the snow off his coat. “Why can’t you sleep like a normal person?”

“Hey,” she croaked. “Don’t be rude, I almost died.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, staring at her with wide eyes before a grin lit up his face.

“Herald! You’re actually awake for once, properly awake. Oh, thank the Maker, now Cassandra will stop harassing me. Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?” He held up his hand, switching between two and three fingers.

“You’re switching them, you ass.” She said, her voice a hoarse mess.

Dorian made a face at her, “You sound awful, here, drink this.” He picked up the potions she had dropped and handed her one. “Elfroot healing potion, should help some.”

She chugged it gratefully, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand after. “How long have I been out?”

“Three days,” he informed her, refilling her flask from the jug of water that was on a box at the other side of the tent. “You woke up a few times, but you were mostly delirious and couldn’t speak. This is the first time you’ve gotten up on your own.”

“So long?” she mumbled, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

“You did almost die. You were one foot in the grave when they found you, you’re lucky I’m such an amazing healer.”

“Who found me?”

“Cullen and Cassandra along with some scouts. You had walked up the mountain yourself and were close to camp when they did. Impressive, I must say, though I don’t recommend doing it again.”

“Cassandra not happy, I take it?”

“Is she ever? Speaking of, I should go tell her you’re awake or she might really kill me. Hold on a moment,” Dorian stepped out of the tent and only a moment later, Evanura heard yelling. She sat up, pressing one hand against her ribs when they protested. She wondered if she should go see what that was and then questioned if she could even walk right now. The tent’s flap was violently shoved aside, and Cassandra came storming in, a scowl on her face. Dorian was right behind her, an exasperated look on his face.

“I did tell you right when she woke up!” he was saying. “It’s only been a minute.”

“A minute too long,” Cassandra snapped. She gestured to Evanura angrily. “Why is she sitting up?” she demanded before glaring at Evanura. “Why are you sitting up? You should be resting.”

“Um,” Evanura began.

“Where is Solas? Dorian, go get a healer – “

“What is all this noise?” Leliana said, poking her head through the tent’s entrance. “Oh, Herald! You are awake! Thank the Maker, we were worried about your health. Oh, hold on a moment, I need to tell Josie. She’s been a bit emotional about everything, this will cheer her up.”

Evanura blinked as Leliana disappeared again and Dorian and Cassandra continued to bicker, their gestures getting more exaggerated in their growing annoyance. Evanura opened her mouth, but she honestly didn’t know what to say. She was confused, thirsty and tired even though she had just woken up.

“Why are we yelling?” Varric interrupted, walking into the tent. “Oh, shit! Herald’s awake. Why are you idiots yelling, she just woke up. Did anybody tell Curly yet?”

Cassandra grunted in annoyance, rolling her eyes. Evanura quickly intervened before she had the chance to go off again. “I have no idea what’s going on. Where are we? What happened to everyone?”

“Relax, everyone is fine. We’re in the Frostbacks and we’re still in the same camp we were when you found us three days ago. We don’t exactly have anywhere to go yet.” Varric informed her. “You have some cracked ribs, a pulled shoulder and had a pretty bad concussion when you showed up. It should be better now, you’ve had a shit ton of potions.”

Evanura frowned “Why are you wasting all the potions on me?”

“You’re the Herald,” Varric stared at her like she was being dense. “You are kind of important, if you didn’t notice by now.”

“That doesn’t matter, the potions should go to the ones with the worst injuries. I barely got hurt at all – “

“You fought an Archdemon.”

“We don’t know if that was really an archdemon,” she protested stubbornly. “That is beside the point – “

“A literal mountain fell on you,” Varric deadpanned, crossing his arms. Evanura sighed. She couldn’t really argue that.

“It wasn’t like I was stabbed or anything,” she grumbled.

“Yeah, because blunt force trauma is nothing to scoff at,” Dorian added, rolling his eyes. “Honestly, you could be bleeding out and half dead and you’d still insist it was nothing.”

“Herald?” Josephine called, opening the door. She beamed at Evanura. “Oh, it is true! I was beginning to fear the worst, I am so glad you are awake.”

“Why would I lie?” Leliana was muttering behind her. “I’m not _that_ cruel.”

“What in the name of Andraste is going on here?” Cullen’s voice said from outside. Evanura’s head ached. He nudged Leliana out of the way and ducked into the tent. His eyes landed on Evanura immediately and widened.

“Herald’s awake,” Varric told him needlessly.

“I can see that,” Cullen said flatly. “Why are you all in here? She is still injured and needs her rest, you are crowding her. Leliana, your scouts just came back and Varric you’re supposed to be on guard.”

“Aw, come on Curly,” Varric said. Leliana sighed heavily, like she was the only one with any sense and left to presumably find her scouts. Josie quickly followed her.

“Out,” Cullen snapped. Varric made a face but complied. “Cassandra, will you get a healer? And Dorian, have you checked the Herald yet?”

Cassandra left and suddenly it went from loud and overwhelming to quiet. Evanura was a bit dazed at the sudden change. Dorian was at her side now, frowning in concentration as he reached out a hand over her. She felt the warmth of his magic slide over her, gently prodding and soothing her aching head and throat. With the absence of pain, it was blissfully peaceful and Evanura felt sleep grasp for her.

“She’s fine, just a headache and dizzy, left over from the concussion. No frozen or dead tissue, no broken bones, although her ribs are still cracked. Should heal within the week,” Dorian listed off in a bored tone.

“Thank you,” Cullen said. “Now leave.”

“Such appreciation,” Dorian remarked dryly as he left.

Evanura blinked at Cullen, her eyes heavy with sleep. She didn’t want to fall back into the Fade just yet. “Thank you,” she said. “They were a bit…”

“Overwhelming? Yes, I would imagine so.” He offered a small smile

She relaxed at the sight of it, smiling back. “They mean well. I’m just… tired.”

“With the healing potions speeding up your recovery, you will tire quickly. You’ve been through quite a lot.”

“Hmm,” she hummed before yawning. She squeezed her eyes shut before forcing them open again.

“You should sleep, Evanura,” Cullen said softly.

“Not yet, I just woke up.” She mumbled, rubbing at her eyes with a sigh. “Sit with me?”

“Of course,” he said and took the chair next to her cot. She lowered herself to lie back on her cot, wincing. “Are you in pain?”

“No, it is not too bad,” she waved a hand, “Cracked ribs are always irritating.”

Cullen looked at her in amusement. “Yes, they are.”

“How is the camp? They didn’t tell me much.”

“No doubt, as you should be resting and not worrying about the rest of us,” Cullen said. Evanura frowned at him. “Everything really is fine for the most part. We have few injured, but they are being taken care of. All the children are safe, they are eager to see you. The scouts are looking for shelter, Josephine is writing letters to our allies, nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Everything about this is out of the ordinary,” she mumbled. She blinked slowly again, sleep clawing at the edges of her mind. “And you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you okay?”

Cullen looked at her quietly, an odd look on his face. He shook his head after a moment, a small, fond smile on his face. “Do not worry about me Inquisitor, you should be concerned for yourself, if anything.”

“You’re avoiding the question,” she said after covering a yawn with her hand. Her eyes fell shut, too heavy to keep open any longer.

“I’m fine, Evanura. Rest, now.” He said quietly. She mumbled something, a small protest that even she couldn’t make out. She felt the blankets being tugged back over her, right under her chin. She grabbed at it, curling her hand in it, and sighed, the warmth instantly sending her further along to sleep. “Sleep well, Evanura.”


	6. Crestwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evanura still wasn’t quite used to people calling her the Inquisitor, weeks after they had named her as their leader and cheered for her. She was used to feeling watched, but now it was almost twice as bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no chapter warnings

Skyhold was one of the most magnificent things Evanura had ever seen. It was partly in ruins, true, but stepping into the gates for the first time felt like coming home. She could feel magic humming from the very stones in the walls. Much of the interior was blocked by rubble so they set up camp in the courtyard. It was a bustle of activity getting everyone settled in. They set up tents for the injured first, both templars and mages working together. There was no more animosity between the two sides. After fighting side by side in Haven and traveling through the Frostbacks for weeks, there was an unspoken trust between them. The mage children didn’t shy away from the templars and the templars didn’t glare in suspicion when the mages offered to heal their wounds.

Josephine immediately went about contacting their allies, guilting them brilliantly into sending aid since the Inquisition had closed the Breach. Cullen organized his troops and had them help with reconstruction and sent them to get supplies from the various logging stands and quarries they had claimed. Leliana had her scouts secure the perimeter, marking potential attack points and exploring the surrounding mountains.

Evanura still wasn’t quite used to people calling her the Inquisitor, weeks after they had named her as their leader and cheered for her. She was used to feeling watched, but now it was almost twice as bad. She tried to ignore it. She knew that surviving her intended self-sacrifice in Haven had made her seem more otherworldly. She didn’t feel strong for it, she had been in pain for weeks and threw up after moving too much for the first couple of days. It made her uncomfortable to have everyone looking at her all the time. She didn’t want to snap at them, when they had little else to pin their hopes on, so when she felt overwhelmed she found a corner to hide in. Their respect and, frankly, reverence of her made her feel like she was suffocating under the weight of their hopes and dreams, their very lives.

Fortunately, she still had missions out in the field to distract her. There was word of grey warden activity in the Storm Coast, and reports of undead in Crestwood. They went to Crestwood first, which was a two-week journey. She traveled with Cassandra, Varric and Dorian. If she was being honest, she thought they were possibly her only close friends. After so many missions, it was impossible not to form a bond. They had shared stories over the campfire, eaten breakfast and dinner together, bantered and bickered their way through Ferelden. She wasn’t this close to her other companions, even Solas, who she had known for as long as she knew Cassandra and Varric. There was a distance that Solas kept from everyone and Evanura respected it.

It was almost a relief to be back on the road again. Here, she was free of people’s heavy stares and expectations. She felt lighter. However, she still found herself waking from nightmares of Haven some nights and not being able to sleep on other nights. She wasn’t coping well, she knew. But she didn’t know if anybody was. Was there a way to get over what had happened to them so easily? She often laid awake at night, listening to Cassandra’s breathing from the other side of the tent, staring up at nothing and terrified. She had never felt so helpless than she had when Corypheus lifted her up with one arm while his dragon prowled behind her.

They reached Crestwood by nightfall after traveling for a little under two weeks. Upon arriving, she was updated by Scout Harding and given a new requisition by a requisition officer. It was too late to travel to the town of Crestwood, so she and her companions decided to turn in early and leave in the morning. She was about to slump into her tent and straight on the makeshift bed on the floor when a scout piped up next to her.

“Inquisitor,” the scout greeted. “You have a letter, ser.”

“Thank you,” she said, taking the sealed envelope. The scout nodded respectfully and left Evanura to crawl into her tent. She curled onto her makeshift bed, a pile of blankets really, and looked at the envelope.

 _Inquisitor_ it read in familiar writing on the outside of it. She flipped it over, running her fingers over Cullen’s wax seal. She sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly with one hand. She heard the tent flap open and then quiet footsteps.

“Word?” Cassandra asked. Evanura nodded, hand still covering her eyes. She let her hand drop and brought the letter to her face, popping open the seal carefully.

_Evanura,_

_You should have reached Crestwood by the time this letter reaches you. I must once again urge you to be careful. Crestwood is a town with a long, bloody history. I’m sure you know of it, the blight, the undead, and other tragedies there. I have men moving to your position to scout the land and help you, should you need it. Leliana has also sent her scouts, who I am sure are somehow already there. I can feel Leliana smug face as she is no doubt reading this_ (here, in the margin of the paper, is a note from Leliana; _It is my job, you know. But I see your point, I would read it regardless. And yes, I am smug._ ) _I swear her scouts can travel faster than any creature alive rightfully should._

_Skyhold’s reconstruction is progressing well. That is my actual reason for writing to you, by the way. We need more supplies. The more we uncover this place, the more destruction we see. Any logging stand locations and quarries would be appreciated._

_Beside that, we have found three different mage specialists, should you want to advance your skills. You need only to give word and we will secure their passage to Skyhold. They come highly recommended, and I have personally met one of them. The choice is yours._

_Your companions have settled in a little too comfortably, I think. Sera is causing havoc in the barracks; her pranks are relentless. She has shown no mercy and truthfully, I fear what she will do to prank me (do not tell her I said that) but I am eager to see if she will prank Leliana. She would retaliate in a spectacular fashion, I’m sure. Blackwall, oddly enough, has taken up wood work, crafting toys for the children, although he denies it if asked. Cole is still a mystery to me. He is an odd spirit, always spouting off things that do not make sense and disappearing, but he is a great help to the injured. Ironbull is a bit too keen on demolishing instead of reconstructing, but his Chargers are useful._

_I know it is useless to ask, but please be careful. You are barely healed from Haven. That probably will not stop you, perhaps it will encourage you. Let me rephrase; you have a good team covering you, you need not take so many risks._

_Cullen_

_(P.S. I have already informed Cassandra to rein you in before taking said risks, but I thought it only polite to tell you.)_

Evanura huffed in amusement, reading over the note again. She missed Cullen the most out of all the people she had left in Skyhold. She always felt such calmness and safety around him, it made it easy to be comfortable in his presence. She could use that sense of safety now, she thought ruefully.

She thought back to one of the first days at Skyhold. She hadn’t seen Cullen since the night they named her Inquisitor. They had all been busy with their duties, Cullen especially. He really never stopped working, she honestly didn’t know if he ever slept. When she had walked up to him in the courtyard, he had immediately started updating her that they had gotten everybody a place to sleep and reconstruction was proceeding as planned. She had looked at him fondly as he looked from report to report, scouts scurrying around him. Evanura had asked how many had died and his expression shifted, looking at her with solemn eyes. It hadn’t been too many, but people had still died in the attack, although most died from injuries on the road. It would’ve been worse if not for her, he said. She had given him a small smile and said she was glad he was – that everyone was alive. He had given her a look she couldn’t decipher and had stopped her before she left. He promised her that the events in Haven would not happen again, his eyes determined and looking at them she believed him. They would not be caught off guard again.

Perhaps it was part of him being a Commander, perhaps it was just his charm, that made her so ready to believe in his earnest expression and words. She longed for that sense of certainty he had given her then. She never felt so shaken and uncertain in her life, now.

“Good news?” Cassandra asked from her sleeping bag. Evanura glanced over, smiling wryly.

“I suppose. Construction is progressing, but the castle is worse off than we thought. We need more supplies. Other than that, apparently Sera is back to her pranks.” She listed off, “I hear Cullen convinced you to be my bodyguard?”

Cassandra raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “Hardly. We just have similar views on your self-sacrificing nature and apparent lack of self-preservation. I am merely ensuring you do not die again.”

Evanura rolled her eyes. “I didn’t die.”

“Not the point,” Cassandra glared at her. “You thought you were going to. You sent us away because you knew you would not make it, did you not?”

Evanura made a face. Cassandra had her there. “But I’m fine!”

“Andraste preserve us,” Cassandra huffed “Do not play dumb, you know what I mean.”

Evanura sighed, her gaze falling back to the letter and absentmindedly reading it again.

“Is that a particularly interesting letter?” Cassandra asked. “You’ve read it six times.”

Evanura blushed furiously at being caught. “No! It’s just a letter, a regular letter.”

“Hmm,” Cassandra looked at her with a blatantly unconvinced face.

“Don’t give me that look,” Evanura scowled. “It’s only a letter. A nice letter. Creators, I’m not helping myself here. It’s just – you and the others here only treat me like a person because you’re with me all the time, right? But at Skyhold, I’m not a person, I’m a thing. I’m grateful for people’s support and respect and I’d fight for them all, but they’re not… They mean well, I suppose. It’s just odd.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, you’re probably used to it, yes? You were nobility, then Seeker, then Hand of the Divine. People look at you as an idol. My clan is small, no one is held above like that. We have almost a hundred people, and we all know each other. We share the same tents, we share the same food, we hunt together. I am not used to people looking at me as if I am holy. I am trained to be Keeper of my clan one day, but even then, I would not be treated like this. It is unsettling to have people look at me and see a thing. You and the others treat me as a friend, because I am a person to you. No one else does that at Skyhold, except Cullen. It is nice, to not be expected to be a Herald or Inquisitor or thing. I’m just me.”

Cassandra stared at her contemplatively. “I suppose I did not consider that. You are right in that I grew up privileged and separate from common people, it was not something I considered to be special until I was older. I see your point. But you are still blushing.”

“No, I’m not!” Evanura protested, pressing a hand to her cheek to see if it was hot. “Oh shut up,” she grumbled when Cassandra shot her a smug look.

“I said nothing.”

“Your face said something.”

 

 

Bandits and red templars to Crestwood were like bears to the Hitherlands. They were everywhere, annoying, and inconvenient to deal with, and never ending. If she ever saw another bandit, it would be too soon. And the wolves! Why were they so angry here? She couldn’t go two steps without a wolf lunging for her throat. She liked dogs, she liked wolves, but they seemed to hate her. She hated killing them but running only made them angrier and Evanura had too many things to do instead of being chased by ravenous wolves.

She met with Hawke’s Grey Warden friend Stroud in a small, damp cave. He was a serious, somber human with polished Grey Warden armor. She was horrified by what Corypheus had done to the Grey Wardens, placing a fake calling in their head and making them so terrified that they had no other choice but to unwittingly obey him. She thought back to the Wardens she had met on the road outside Crestwood, the ones who saved the elf woman. They had not seemed desperate or miserable, but she overheard them discussing their orders that they did not agree with. Even knowing this, how did the Grey Wardens fit into all this madness? Were they involved from the start? Did they know who blew up the Conclave? Was there any hope reasoning with them, could they be redeemed? She had too many questions that held no answers.

Hawke and Stroud went to an old ruin in the Western approach and she would meet them there by the end of the month. She still had rifts to close, information to deliver to her advisors, slaves in the Hissing Wastes to free, and figuring out what those shards were for in the Forbidden Oasis. Thinking of all she had to do filled her with dread. How did people expect one person to do all this? They thought of her like a savior, but she did not feel like one. She felt like a fraud. She was only a desperate, anxious mess who had no idea what they were doing. People looked to her for directions, for hope, for courage, for help but what did she offer them for their blind devotion? She did not know what was best, she did not know what was right. She had never thought she’d have the weight of the whole world in her shoulders and she had done nothing to prepare for it. She didn’t want to lead the Inquisition, but she understood why she had to. She was the face of it, the Herald to a god she did not believe in. But she was not a messenger from any holy being and they did not bless her. She had no one to guide her, no path to follow. She was alone and terrified. She felt like she was drowning in the middle of an ocean surrounded by people who did not see her dying.

 

 

With these bleak thoughts haunting her, they traveled back to their main camp at the keep. She was thoroughly done with Crestwood when they finally arrived, tired of this dreary town and wanting to sleep for a thousand years. Immediately, a scout was in front of her. This was nothing unusual, but she looked nervous and that was concerning.

“What is it?” Evanura asked, already fearing the worst. The undead came back. The breach reopened in the sky and was swallowing towns whole. Skyhold had been attacked.

“There is a – um a pest control problem?” the scout shifted from foot to foot nervously, glancing up at the sky.

“Pest control?” Evanura repeated flatly.

“Um, yes but the pest is a giant dragon eating villagers at the ruins east of here.

Evanura stared a her. Out of everything, she really didn’t see that one coming. She turned to Cassandra who was scowling – again, not unusual, she was always scowling – but even she looked unsettled.

“A dragon,” Evanura repeated uselessly. “We have a pest dragon?”

“Yes, your Worship.”

“Oh, I was hoping I misunderstood and you said something else was eating villagers. Giant dragon, you said? How giant, exactly?”

“Um, fully grown, surely.” The scout looked around as if for something to compare the dragon too. “If it was to attack the keep, I’m not sure if it could fit in through the open ceiling.”

“Ah,” Evanura said. “Right. I’ll get right on that then.”

The scout looked relieved. “It has been looking hungrier lately, my lady. I fear it may try attacking a more populated area soon.”

The scout bowed and left and Evanura turned to her companions. “She did say dragon, right?”

“Yeah,” Varric looked like he wanted to fight somebody, perhaps a dragon. “A fucking dragon. Any tips Cassandra? Isn’t your family an expert in them?”

“I’ve not hunted any dragons in my spare time,” Cassandra snapped. “I’d suggest running, but it will only move closer to Crestwood Village.”

“Oh, good, I’ve always wanted to be mutilated by a dragon,” Dorian said cheerily. “Shall we go now, or later?”

“We’re going to fight a dragon,” Evanura stated blankly. “This is what we do now, apparently. Dragons. Creators, I’ve never even seen a dragon.”

“Nonsense, we saw some at the Storm Coast.” Dorian reminded her.

“Those were babies, they hardly count.” Evanura heaved out a sigh. “Alright then. If we sleep, do you think it will kill more people by morning?”

“Probably,” Varric grumbled. “With our fucking luck.”

“Now it is, then.” Evanura said, turning on her heel and heading back to the front entrance.

“We have no more healing potions,” Cassandra said.

“After we get healing potions,” Evanura corrected, turning right back around, and heading to the potion stand. “If we eat, do you think we’ll vomit or can we keep it down when the dragon attacks us.”

“Well, I didn’t think of it before but now that you mention it,” Varric said. “Have I ever mentioned that the weirdest shit happens to you and by extension me? A dragon, for fuck’s sake. We’re going to die.”

“That’s the spirit,” Dorian said brightly.

 

 

_Cullen,_

_You may have already heard, but in case you have not I’d like to first say don’t be upset. We fought a dragon. Before you pass out, do not worry, we are uninjured. Mostly. Nothing a healing potion can’t fix. Don’t be angry at Cassandra, she did technically protect me when we were fighting, and it was not like we had much of a choice anyhow. The dragon was moving closer to the town and had already killed many people. On the bright side, I have sent some soldiers to collect the remains of the dragon. The scales will make excellent armor, as well as the skin. And the bone! I’ve only ever heard of staves made of dragon bone, they’re the most powerful staff known to Thedas. In this dragon’s horde of bones and items, we also found some useful armor and weapons. I know you’re most likely still furious but think of what we could make with the dragon supplies. This is a high dragon; their blood is pure enough to compose the most intricate runes. Dagna will be thrilled, at least. In any case, Crestwood is rift free and stable again. Our presence at the keep should ensure that it remains so. We will be continuing onto the Storm Coast and should be back at Skyhold soon._

_Evanura_


End file.
